Humans are precious. Our hearts are tender and when we are vulnerable we open ourselves to both feelings of love and pain. And this is expanded in polyamory because of the many loves aspect. More relationships = more potential for heart ache AND more potential for beautiful happy joy filled love. It's complex.
Sometimes feelings of not being enough or ‘inadequacy’ can haunt us. Thoughts such as… ‘When I am not all that you need, I feel inadequate. I feel like I am not enough. Like something is wrong with me. Why can’t I be your everything?’ Sometimes these thoughts, which turn into feelings and then turn into behaviors, impact us deeply. It’s harmful to our very being to believe such myths. I believe it’s a consequence of being raised in a mono-normative society that we believe if we cannot meet ALL of a Lover’s needs — we are somehow inadequate. Before monogamy, there were many relationship structures that supported us with food, resources, love, sex, intimacy, childcare, etc. We survived in tribes, villages & communities.
If you find yourself believing you must be inadequate if your Lover(s) are having their relational needs (happiness, connection, physical intimacy, romance…) met by others, consider these questions…
• Is my worth dependent on meeting all my Lover(s) needs?
• Where did I learn to connect my worth with the behavior of meeting all of a Lover(s) needs?
• What makes me a worthy person?
• Is my worth solely based on my relationships?
• Who taught me my worth and if I don’t know it yet… how can I practice remembering it?
• What do my Lover(s) and I share that is special, that we enjoy and that feels good?
Can you share with your Lover(s) your answers and explore ‘Self-worth’ together? Our culture doesn’t encourage us to know our worth so we must normalize learning it and feeling it.
When our Lover(s) have other people fulfilling them in ways different from us — it’s just that… Different. I cannot meet your every need, you cannot meet my every need. Although this makes rational sense, for some — it hurts to not be the ONLY ONE making someone else brilliantly juicily (is that a word?) gorgeously and erotically hot like fire HAPPY. I mean it feels amazing to the the one bringing in all that heat! And still…
Your ability to meet a Lover(s) needs doesn’t make you less or more worthy. You are already worthy. Yup, I said it. And in fact, who taught you that being someone’s everything was connected to your worth? Do you value this idea? Does this idea uplift you and make you feel good? If not, what do you value?
You are worthy right now, today and every day since you were born. AND if you want to get spiritual with it - you were in full effect maximum gloriousness worthiness BEFORE your birth. So that means as a star dust baby — you were perfection. I sure do love to see you shine.
Fox Eros, M.A., Therapist (AMFT)
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