Couples & Relationship Check-In Questions to Reduce Conflict and Increase Intimacy

Many believe our intimate relationships should be as easy and as spicy as when we first met and as a Couples / Relationship Therapist — this is far from the truth. Our relationships need consistent (daily / weekly) maintenance to avoid tension build-up, miscommunication, hurt feelings being unaddressed and unmet needs being missed. We must regularly tend to our connection so it can continue to grow with closeness and love which can help to spill over into the bedroom. Yum

We often belive we know everything about our Partners, however, humans are consntalty evolving and there's always more to discover. Relationship Check-ins help us improve our communication, deepen our connection, slow us down to be present, build trust and create intimacy. And this allows us a safe space to share quality time, prioritize our relationship and appreciate one another.

With our busy culture, domestic responsibilities and daily stress ~ we can easily miss each other in many ways. Check-ins helps us elevate our intimate relationships by making them more important than the day-to-day obligations that can end up consuming us.

The fuller our cups are with connection, kindness and understanding — the more we are able to get through the storms and stress that life can place on us.

How to Begin a Relationship Check-In:

1. Set up a cozy enjoyable space and time that you all can look forward to. 2. Use the below questions or create new ones with your Loves. 3. Set a timer, be fully present and keep shares concise and genuine. 4. Each person has 5-10 minutes. *When times are tough, check-in more often.

Check-In Questions: Feel free to create your own, select a few that feel relevant during a specific time in your relationship and let this process evolve. And this list can be used for any type of relationship structure: monogamy to polyamory.

*For polyamorous relationships or any type of ENM add the question: are there any edits or discussions we’d like to have based on our current relationship agreements? And is there anything coming up with our other Partner's we'd like to share? 

• What are the ground rules before we begin our check-in that create safety and support for us? • How can I support you this week? What would make you feel most loved and chosen?

• I want to take accountability, is there anything you believe I could have done better with more care, communication, compassion and gentleness?

• Do you have any unmet needs or requests? • What is your love language (what makes you feel most loved and desired by me)?

• Do you have any tender spots or past wounds / trauma that needs particular gentleness? (And what would feel most supportive in how your Partner approaches these wounds to help care for you?) • Is there anything I am making you feel burdened with (a responsibility, mood, habit or emotion)?

• What are you looking forward to do with your Partner and what can we plan to do together soon that feels fun and pleasure-filled (remember — no domestic talk allowed on dates!) • Name something you have been working on to improve in your relationship skills. Ask your Partner if they’ve noticed any changes or improvements. And if so, ask them to please continue encouraging you and taking notice with appreciation while you work on this skill.

• What can I do to make you feel safe and secure in our relationship?

• When I am in a negative mood, feeling shut down or have big emotions, I need _______; and what do you need from me when I am in this state?

• What do you admire about your Partner? • Ask your Partner about one of their life dreams, passions, hobbies or aspirations. Become very curious and learn all about their interests.

• Are we happy with the frequency and quality of our intimate / romantic relationship? What could we change together?

• Ask your Self — what am I doing that’s making it harder for my Partner to give me what I want?

• How do you set a boundary and honor it? How do you honor your Partner’s boundaries? Do you all agree on what the definition of consent is?

• Do you feel seen and heard by me? If not, what would help? And specifically after we have a conflict, do you feel acknowledged and seen— even when we don't agree? • Are there any past ruptures between us that still feel heavy to your heart? If so, can we please make space so I can listen to you deeply and learn about your experience? And I promise to be curious and just listen. (The Partner who is sharing the wound will only use "I" statements without criticism while sharing their experience). • What went well in our relationship this week?

• Name a specific genuine appreciation about your Partner and the relationship. • Is there anything you miss that I used to do? To end this shared time, thank your Partner for showing up, being vulnerable and present.

Take wonderful care of Your Selves and those you love,

🌹 Fox Eros, Psychotherapist Fox on Social

foxerosinlove.com

*Disclaimer: This content is for informational purposes only, not as a substitute for therapy.