Polyamory is a relationship structure that goes beyond just two people. It is based on consent meaning everyone knows, everyone agrees and everyone wants to be a part of this type of relationship. The theme here is transparency.
Cheating or infidelity happens when we go outside of our relationship agreements (implicit or explicit) and are intimate, romantic or physical with someone else without our Lover(s) consent / knowledge. Cheating happens for many reasons, as mistakes can happen, and still it can cause emotional pain, harm & trust ruptures.
Infidelity can happen in monogamy or polyamory. Some are able to repair this trust rupture and rebuild their relationship while others may struggle to trust again, or decide they don’t want to repair and choose to end the relationship. It’s a personal choice and journey, and can be a difficult one. Identifying as polyamorous is not a free pass to cheat. Cheating in polyamory causes as much pain and disruption as cheating in monogamy. Decide with your Lover(s) what you value about relationships that feel good, safe and secure. Practice that as the foundation of your relationship.
Create agreements together that align with your values & priorities, and revisit these agreements often. If you feel you are evolving past your agreements and want more, or are wanting to take a break, or change an agreement, bring this up with your Lover(s). Just as we change throughout our lives, our agreements will change too.
If you identify as Polyam and you meet a new potential Lover, let them know you are polyamorous so that if they aren’t — they can decide if this is the type of lifestyle they’d like to engage in. The bottom line is that polyamory and infidelity are opposites. Consent includes transparency which is compassionate; and is where the ‘ethical’ piece in the term ‘ethical non-monogamy’ comes from. This is so that others have a choice in their love life matters.
Wishing you all the loves and many loves,
Fox Eros, M.A., Therapist (AMFT)
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