Aieeeeee but it hurts… but I want it…. but why does my heart bleed? Sometimes we’re just going too fast loves. Here’s some love & compassion for when we want different paces of jumping into the warm bubbly tragically deep end of the pool in polyamory. Let us make safe vessels for any space, pauses, breaks if needed. And consideration around how to navigate with our metamours and other established lovers when someone wants to slow down and there’s already attached feelings.
When we first agree to open up to Polyamory with a Lover, it can be liberating, exhilarating, confusing & unsettling, and all at the same time. And if we still wish to continue our journey, how do we do this with these varying desires and speeds? And we’re all different so it makes sense we’d have different approaches and desires of how this will play out.
Some want to jump in ASAP and begin dating, falling in love, being physical with Lovers & introducing our Lover’s to each other. And for others, even if we agreed to it all, when it actually happens — it can feel terribly threatening and just way too fast. Enter primal panic.
* A gentle reminder — polyam is not the same as being single. When we are single, we can do as we please, when we please & with whom we please. In Polyam it’s the ‘togetherness’, consent, commitment and intimacy that makes it unique from ‘being single.’
Awareness of our Lover’s feelings, needs & hopes creates sustainable polyam relationships. When we attune with each other, we build safety & security, which helps polyam feel good. If polyam doesn’t benefit everyone, resentment, distrust, frustration, sadness and anger can build.
Check-in with you Lovers weekly:
• Are we saying yes to please others even if it harms us?
• Do we wish to change any agreements?
• What’s working, what isn’t?
• Is anyone feeling a sense of urgency?
• Why did we want to practice Polyam together?
• For the person wanting to move fast, are there other ways you can fuel your fire for life & love?
• What else excites you & makes you feel the way new love does?
• What is your need to move fast?
• Can you practice moving slower or will it feel oppressive to your core being (if so, this is an important conversation to have with your Lovers)
• Do you have capacity to reassure your Lover as y’all learn polyam?
Polyamory Affirmation:
“I check-in with my mind, heart & body often. How is polyamory benefiting me?
I connect with my Self, name my needs and share them with my Lovers. I
am worthy of a relationship that feels good and safe to me.”
Fox Eros, M.A., Therapist (AMFT)