Ruminating Anxious Thoughts in Polyamory

Ruminating thoughts in polyamory (looping anxiety inducing thoughts that feel like they won’t stop) can feel sticky and unsettling. It’s not something we wish for and sometimes it just catches us off guard and we begin to drown in them… even if we wholeheartedly believe in polyamory, and want our lovers to be happy.

Here’s some loving compassion towards the ruminating mind and perhaps some new things we can try when we find ourselves feeling dizzy from these looping thoughts.

Ruminating thoughts are upsetting, intrusive & repetitive thoughts about a perceived problem or situation that keeps us stuck. Ruminating thoughts can make us feel anxious, uncomfortable, unsettled, stressed & emotional. Rumination can occur in polyam, for example, when our Lovers are out with their Lovers. We may create fantastic stories of what our Lovers are doing & how they feel; that make us feel forgotten, not good enough, neglected or that we will lose them. Here’s the catch — ruminating thoughts do not include a plan or a solution — and this is how they keep us stuck.

Let’s interrupt these thoughts with a plan and a vision of how we’d like to feel or behave. What are the underlying feelings / past experiences you have that are fueling ruminating thoughts?…Fear, loss, low self-worth, trust wounds, a monog mind-set indicating you should be the only one giving your Lover(s) joy?

• Do you need reaffirming that your relationship is important?

• How would you like to be reaffirmed?

• What makes you feel wanted and loved? Discuss this with your Lover(s)

•  How can you affirm your own Self?

• Consider if ruminating actually serves you in any way. What would you like to do instead?

• How do you want to feel and what would it take to get you there?

• What is keeping you stuck in ruminating?

• Create a plan for when you know your are likely to ruminate. Write it down & keep it on hand.

• Connect with people, move your body, distract your Self purposefully, plan something pleasurable, journal and ask for support.

It takes a lot of practice,time & compassion to learn a new way of interrupting ineffective thoughts.

Let’s start slow with a plan, support & kind Self-talk. Let’s try something different next time you find yourself ruminating.

Fox Eros, M.A., Therapist (AMFT)

foxerosinlove.com

thepolyamorytherapist.com