Boundaries & People Pleasing in Polyamory
- Fox Eros
- May 7, 2024
- 3 min read
People pleasing or fawning is a tender trait to be handled with care and curiosity. iIt can happen on such a low-key level we may not even realize until later that we’ve agreed to things that are not in alignment with who we are or what we want.
Persistent ‘people pleasing’ or ‘fawning’ is a wise adaptation that develops in order for us to “feel” safe emotionally / physically. Perhaps we've felt overly responsible to care for others despite our own Self, or felt we’d only be accepted if we said ‘yes’ — thus linking our Self worth and / or survival with the act of pleasing others.
In polyam we navigate multiple relationships with our Lovers, Metamours and Self. I believe our relationship with Self is the just as important as any. Being able to share our needs in relationship agreements or when things don’t feel safe / good is a necessity for sustainable polyam relationships.
Setting boundaries can be difficult if we weren’t taught our worth. Did anyone show you how to prioritize, love & honor your Self? Your worth isn’t based on external things you do for others, but who you are inherently. We can begin to learn these skills with compassion & practice.
When a request is made of us and we say ‘yes’ when we really mean ‘no’ or ‘maybe’ or ‘let me think about it’ — we are abandoning our Self. Overtime, we can become resentful, lost, exhausted, emotional & confused about where others end, and where we begin. Like everyone else, you get to have needs and voice them too.
Tips on connecting with your truth:
Identify what a ‘hell yes’ feels like in your body.
How about a ‘hell no’?
If you cannot truly say ‘no’, how can you truly say ‘yes’?
What does it feel like in your body when you ‘fawn’?
What do you believe would happen if you didn’t people please?
Is there evidence for these beliefs?
Why do you choose to fawn? Is there an imagined threat, or are you in real danger?
Do you need time to answer a request? If so, share this with your Lovers so you can process & truly identify what you are needing. Your Lovers should want to know the true version of you.
Let your Lovers know you are working to match your words with your needs. Discuss how can they receive a ‘no’ that is supportive to you. Consider how you receive a ‘no’ from them. Being able to say ‘no’ and have it feel safe & respected in a relationship creates trust, security & intimacy.
FACTS:
1. You can still be kind / cordial and say no to someone. Saying no doesn’t make you a bad person.
2. How people respect and respond to your boundaries says a lot about THEM.
3. If you say no to someone, know they can get their needs met elsewhere so you do not have to feel obligated to take care of them.
4. Setting boundaries is a form of self-care.
5. If you’re conditioned to people please it may feel quite uncomfortable setting boundaries or saying no - but with practice over time it will become easier.
Resource share: I highly recommend the book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Tawab to learn more about navigating the journey and discovery of learning how to identify and express your boundaries.
Polyamory Affirmation: “With gentleness I observe my urge to say ‘yes’ when I really want to say ‘no', or ‘I am not sure’. I pause, check-in with my Self & slowly practice sharing my true self with others. As I honor my self, I know I will attract relationships that honor who I am too.”
Wishing you compassion, grace and love of Self to rebuild your voice to honoring your truth.
Fox Eros, M.A., Therapist (AMFT)
