Often our unhealed wounds leave us behaving/communicating in ways that aren’t good for our relationships intimately, sexually or on any level (i.e. defensiveness, criticism or silent treatment). Your Beloved(s) may be pushing you away when they actually want to feel closer to you or be comforted. We don’t always know how to reach out or ask for what we need when we are hurting or distressed; and our unhealed wounds can exasperate this.
When you know your Beloved has a tender wounded part, how can you show up for them? And just as importantly — how can you show up for yourself? If your Lover engages in a way that doesn’t allow for effective connection and communication (and they consent); perhaps you can help them soothe as they return to a more grounded state where they can clearly talk about their needs and feelings.
Co-soothing or co-regulation with your Lover (s) can include deep breathing together, a long hug, a walk outside, quiet time together, taking a break, or taking space from each other until all are calm. And if you find you are helping your Lover(s) soothe often, be sure you have the support and resources you need to feel fulfilled, as well as asking your Lover(s) for what you need too. Or consider therapy for relationships to help learn to navigate more effectively and lovingly. Look at us learning to calm ourselves, love with compassion and speak with kindness! ❤ Relationships skills are hard but we got this!
(**This is not intended for those who do not feel safe or where there is emotional or physical intimate partner violence - in this case please reach out for help hotline.org).
Fox M., Therapist (AMFT)
Love Live and Fox
The Polyamory Therapist