In my work as a therapist helping people with intimacy in their relationships I find that when there is desire discrepancy (someone has a significantly lower or higher desire for sex than the other) many often want to rush back to having sex like they used to OR having a high amount of spontaneous & passionate arousal like they used to OR feeling attracted to their Lover like they used to.
This is rarely the solution because often along the way the connection of vulnerability has been lost & buried.
I want to be wanted, I want to be seen, desired & ravished. I want to feel a sexual power from outside of myself. These are deeply valid desires & still my first question will be how can you begin to find your way to your Lover with affection, touch, connection and closeness without sex? Do yo make space for your own sensuality, sexuality and pleasure? Can you open up to all of your senses and nourish them with scents, audio erotica, sensual music, erotic visuals & touches?).
And how do you invite your Lover into this world? This is the risky part where vulnerability will be required. It’s a risk to be rejected when we share our true desires & open ourselves up. Let’s take it slowwww. Let’s put sex to the side and find our way back to connecting without it for the moment.
How can you show up in a way that your partner can feel you & receive you on their terms? And how can your partner do the same for you? And how can your parter hold compassionate space for your requests and communicate when they don’t want to be intimate in a way that is gentle?
Jumping back to where you used to be may not be an option. We evolve and change over time. Our sexuality can evolve, our desire, our bodies & the ways we want to engage intimately. Can you get to know this new Self? What does this new Self need and want? Can you share this in a sacred & safe space with your Lover & have it received? And can you get to know your Beloveds new Self too?
There’s so much space between I want to be sexual, and jumping back to where you used to be. That space is sacred. This is where we begin.
Sensual art @tinamariaelena
You are Love
Fox M., Therapist (AMFT)
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