Polyamory can rattle us the way monogamy never did! It can shake our presumed secure attachment and even morph it into an insecure one (insert your compassion practices here), it can make us question our, safety, security and stability and send us into polyamory shock! We want this, it’s a beautiful concept of loving many and building this community with romance, intimacy and connection — so why does it feel so bad sometimes?
The dysfunctional parts, insecurities & unresolved ruptures in a monogamous relationship — can be kept dormant due to its implied structure of security, safety & stability. These aspects may become exposed when we invite more people into our love lives.
When we begin to practice polyamory, sometimes we are quickly faced with the perceived nervous system ‘threat’ and urgent feeling that we are losing our Lover, must compete with others or feel deeply insecure & suddenly our attachment style (that was presumed secure) may be revealed as, or even morph into an insecure style (practice compassion here, yes again). This can feel unsettling to the core; & can activate past trust, trauma or attachment wounds.
This confusing experience can catch us off guard because rationally we 100% want to be and believe whole heartedly in polyamory. It can be shocking when we begin feeling uncomfortable embodied responses, distress, anxiety, jealousy, etc.
And my loves, I must share, this experience is absolutely common. Nothing is wrong with you. You aren’t doing anything wrong. Consider you’ve likely learned that monogamy is the only safe & secure type of relationship structure and that anything outside of that isn’t. We are wired for monogamy because it’s what we are used to, and your brain is just trying to protect you… and our thoughts aren’t always true.
Let’s slow it down…
1. Explore how you can build safety and security in polyamory
2. Assess & discuss if there is evidence you will lose your Lover
3. Take a break, rest & fill your Self with pleasure and joy
4. Create a list of your strengths and how you can soothe (with Self or Lover) during distress 5. Define polyam for yourself & how you aspire to feel in it
5. Define polyam for yourself & how you aspire to feel in it, envision it, how does it feel?
6. List the benefits & costs of monogamy and polyamory and know you don’t have to be polyamorous
7. Remember why you wanted to be polyamorous
8. Gain support from like minded people
Polyamory Affirmation: “I give my Self permission to be new at this way of relating. I give my body & mind compassion as I explore my Self & needs in polyamory. I pause, check-in with my Self, rest & ask for support when I need to.”
Fox Eros, M.A., Therapist (AMFT)