I Want to Feel Chosen
- Fox Eros
- 5 days ago
- 3 min read
I believe that the deep want to feel chosen is engrained in our humanness. At birth we NEED to be wanted, fed, held, loved, seen, attuned to, checked on, soothed, adored and needed. We must attach and be attached to in order to survive. My heart swells knowing that many of us did not have this need met. And it’s complicated I know. I try and remember our caregivers may have not known how to care for us, perhaps from unawareness, a lack of support, overwhelm, or even their own trauma.
As we grow up we may carry this unmet need with us into our adulthood and within our many relationships; Lovers, friends, work relationships, family, even our children. The continuous search for someone, something that will choose us can exhaust our very being. I know. I have pent many decades feeling invisible. Who will tell me I am complete?
Being chosen can make us feel special, worthy, that we are enough. Our culture tells us that unless we are THE ONE, THE SPECIAL ONE, THE BEST ONE, PART OF THE DOMINANT GROUP — then we are lacking and that something is missing. Thus the cycle becomes endless to fill this void. But hold up — this entire oppressive paradigm is a fucking myth. A lie. A hierarchal toxic framework that must be deconstructed. We do not need to be FIRST / BETTER / BEST / CHOSEN to be loved. You already are love. YOU. ARE. LOVE. I know, you forgot. Most of us do. But we can begin to remember and re-learn, slowly. So slowly. One gentle itty bitty step at at time.
The hole you may feel in needing another human to affirm your enoughness can feel heavy, a type of ongoing and ambiguous grief that makes it hard to breathe. How can we remember we already are chosen? And sometimes this filter of not enoughness makes it difficult to see when others are actually attempting to show up for us. So let’s start here — we must choose ourselves and this means embracing EVERY part of our past and present stories along with our shamed, angry, pained, jealous and unaccepted identities. They are ALL deserving of our compassion, kindness and deep deep unconditional love. We are human. Earth school is hard! We need to see our Selves. We must accept our Selves.
On the other hand — wanting to feel loved in a particular way is a beautiful and valid desire that we get to exercise in our relationships. And this will feed a sense of belonging, security and stability into your Monogamous or Polyamorous relationships, hierarchal or non-hierarchal structures. Can you share with your Loves what makes you feel seen and heard? You will have to tell people because they will often love you in the way they prefer to be loved, assuming its’s the same. And it’s often not! And that’s okay. This is our opportunity to kindly share what makes us feel adored and to ask our Loves what makes them feel adored.
But please know, or begin the journey to remembering… that your worth is your own. No one has power over this. It’s a tender part of your Self that gets to be rebuilt, nourished, watered and fully embraced for all ways. AND you get to kindly ask for what makes you feel loved, knowing that others love of you is just icing on the cake. And you are the cake, cutie angel.
We good? You feel me? I got you. And you got this.
🌹 Fox Eros, Psychotherapist
*Disclaimer: This content is for educational and informational purposes, not as a replacement for therapy.
